A note from Amy Jo & Kurt
We first published Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men in 2000. The internet was in its infancy. Online dating was in its beta stage. Designer vibrators had not yet been created. There was no Shane craze because The L-Word had not been born. 9/11 hadn’t even happened. The dot com boom was about to go bust. There was no Fifty Shades driving kink into pop culture. We had no social media sites where we could poll people and hear people’s concerns, perspectives and stories. All of our original data came from emailed surveys and live in-person focus groups. What a different world. At the time, Amy Jo was teaching sexuality to teenagers in New York City public schools, and chose to use a nickname in order to protect the work she was doing with young people.
It’s hard to believe Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men is now a fifteen-year-old teenager already enmeshed in the world of dating and adolescent sexploration. They grow up so fast, don’t they? The book has helped thousands upon thousands of people over the last fifteen years. We’ve had so many people thank us for the book. Women who bought the book and read it and then gave it to their partners. Couples who bought it and read it together, using it as a pillow talk generator. Men who said they became better lovers and better attuned to their partners because of the book. Women who sang us praises because it helped them enjoy sex more—or even for the first time—with their lovers. We even heard from parents who said they were buying the book for their teenage sons.
We decided we wanted to do a second edition since so much has happened in those fifteen years! And it was time for a modern day e-book. The public discourse around gay, lesbian, queer and bisexual people is in a completely new place. Nearly everyone knows people personally who are LGBQ and acceptance and support for lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer and even transgender rights continue to surge. Same-sex marriage is now legal in thirty-eight states and is on the spring SCOTUS docket (as of this writing) for a Supreme Court federal ruling. Women are making more money and stepping more and more into their power and that means asking for what they want sexually. With women like Beyoncé, Cheryl Sandberg and Emma Watson calling themselves the F-word, feminism has gone mainstream. We know Viagra didn’t solve all of men’s sex issues. We now have television and cable programming about polyamory, millionaire matchmaking, and the Masters of Sex. Sexuality as a field has bloomed and thousands more people are choosing to study and teach sexuality as their profession. A transgender woman was on the cover of Time Magazine and the masculine athlete we grew up seeing on our Wheaties box came out to the world as trans* on prime time.
Sexual identity has blown up. Some people feel like the identity of “lesbian” has begun to feel passé with a new range of “genderqueer” folks and hundreds of gender identities that make sexual identity more complicated. Many people call themselves “non-binary,” meaning they are addressing and identifying their gender beyond the binary of man/woman, male/female. It’s hard to keep up. As the queer world has expanded and grown in all directions, it became clear, there is more to share.
So much has changed. We aren’t changing the title of the book. You still get it. We aren’t rewriting the whole thing, because the book is still totally relevant, if our recent Facebook and Twitter posts are any indication. Women still care about the same things. Men still need help. Too much heterosexual sex is still following the antiquated model that leaves so much out in the realm of women’s pleasure. It still needs to be challenged and reorganized. That’s what this book does.
There is so much we could add to the book. We wanted to update it and we did. We checked our facts and we gave you the new research on things like female ejaculation, desire and sex toys. We kept all the juicy good stuff and added some new sections on the complexity of desire, a new sex workout, feminism and men, polyamory, analingus, and how to support your bisexual partner. There is some really good new stuff here to help you be the best lover you can be.
You’ve got to want that. Women are outpacing men in many things. Men have to step it up. Amy Jo leads women’s sexual empowerment programs and when the women graduate, they are in their power more than ever and the heterosexual women are looking for men who can match them. They want men who have a healthy relationship to themselves and who can honor the strength of a woman who is rooted, whole and developed. Guys, these women are looking for you if you are doing your own personal work to be the best lover, the best guy, the best partner, the most illumined man. They want men who care about developing themselves and who can meet them where they are. Be that guy. Or they will start playing for the lesbian softball team out of necessity. They want the fullest, most caring and brilliant version of you. They want awesome men. We believe in you.
Being a good lover is about more than just sex. It’s about how you show up in so many ways. It’s about confidence and presence. It’s about skills and expanded knowledge. It’s about adventure and play. We know this book can help you with all of that, so let’s get to it.
Amy Jo & Kurt, May 2015